Start with a Christmas one
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Jokes Anyone
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Ian Anderson
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Jokes Anyone
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.
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bak2burbles
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting."
"In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, sighted down the wood as if it were a rifle and said 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old pondered for a minute and then said, "Well, I’d suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of shots into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "Yeah… That's what I thought..."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting."
"In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, sighted down the wood as if it were a rifle and said 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old pondered for a minute and then said, "Well, I’d suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of shots into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "Yeah… That's what I thought..."
Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, takes his latest girlfriend Marie out into the country for a romantic picnic. The weather is beautiful, the sun is out, a cool breeze sways the corn and summer fruits and flowers scent the air with love. The settle down in a small field, lay out the blanket, open the hamper and eat lunch, all the time gaxing into each others eyes lovingly.
After lunch, Pierre the French Fighter Pilot gets out a bottle of Red wine. He pops the cork, and pours two glasses. He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses and smears some wine over Marie's lips, then kisses her passionately.
After the kiss, Marie says “Why Pierre, that was beautiful, but tell me, why the red wine on my lips?”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat, I have red wine”.
Fair enough, Marie thinks. The couple carry on kissing, until things start to heat up a little. Pierre goes into the hamper and pulls out a bottle of white wine. He pops the cork, and pours a glass for himself, then one for Marie. Suddenly he leans over, and to Marie’s surprise he rips open her blouse! He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses of white wine, and sprinkles it all over her beautiful, pert breasts. He then kisses them all over, sucking, nibbling and fondling.
Marie is a little shocked, but also pleasantly surprised, “Why Pierre, that was so passionate, but tell me, why the white wine over my breasts?”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I have white wine”.
Fair enough, Marie thinks. The couple carry on kissing and cavorting and things start to really heat up more and more. Pierre goes into the hamper and pulls out a bottle of the finest French Brandy money can buy. He takes out the stopper, and pours a glass for Marie, and one for himself. Suddenly he leans over, and rips Marie’s panties right off her! He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses of brandy and sprinkles it all over her pubic hairs. He then grabs his lighter, and sets fire to it all!!!
Screaming loudly, Marie frantically tries to put out the flames “Pierre, oh Pierre! Why?! Why?!”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
hehe
After lunch, Pierre the French Fighter Pilot gets out a bottle of Red wine. He pops the cork, and pours two glasses. He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses and smears some wine over Marie's lips, then kisses her passionately.
After the kiss, Marie says “Why Pierre, that was beautiful, but tell me, why the red wine on my lips?”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat, I have red wine”.
Fair enough, Marie thinks. The couple carry on kissing, until things start to heat up a little. Pierre goes into the hamper and pulls out a bottle of white wine. He pops the cork, and pours a glass for himself, then one for Marie. Suddenly he leans over, and to Marie’s surprise he rips open her blouse! He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses of white wine, and sprinkles it all over her beautiful, pert breasts. He then kisses them all over, sucking, nibbling and fondling.
Marie is a little shocked, but also pleasantly surprised, “Why Pierre, that was so passionate, but tell me, why the white wine over my breasts?”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I have white wine”.
Fair enough, Marie thinks. The couple carry on kissing and cavorting and things start to really heat up more and more. Pierre goes into the hamper and pulls out a bottle of the finest French Brandy money can buy. He takes out the stopper, and pours a glass for Marie, and one for himself. Suddenly he leans over, and rips Marie’s panties right off her! He then dips his fingers into one of the glasses of brandy and sprinkles it all over her pubic hairs. He then grabs his lighter, and sets fire to it all!!!
Screaming loudly, Marie frantically tries to put out the flames “Pierre, oh Pierre! Why?! Why?!”
Pierre replies “Because I am Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
hehe
Guy goes into a bar and says to the barman, a pint and a half of your finest lager please.
He takes the drinks and sits at a table on his own. After a while the barman says, can I ask you why you bought a pint and a half? The guy says... oh I almost forgot....reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little fella 6 inches tall and puts him on the table.
This is Tim the guy says, do me a favour and get me a couple of beermats so Tim can reach his drink.
Barman is gobsmacked, says Ive seen some things in my time, but in all the years Ive worked in pubs Ive never seen anything like that!
Guy says...oh yeah, me and Tim have been mates over 30 years, travelled every continent together, and laugh, oh we've had some laughs.
Hey Tim, tell him about that time we were in that small village in Africa and you called that witchdoctor a w***er.
He takes the drinks and sits at a table on his own. After a while the barman says, can I ask you why you bought a pint and a half? The guy says... oh I almost forgot....reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little fella 6 inches tall and puts him on the table.
This is Tim the guy says, do me a favour and get me a couple of beermats so Tim can reach his drink.
Barman is gobsmacked, says Ive seen some things in my time, but in all the years Ive worked in pubs Ive never seen anything like that!
Guy says...oh yeah, me and Tim have been mates over 30 years, travelled every continent together, and laugh, oh we've had some laughs.
Hey Tim, tell him about that time we were in that small village in Africa and you called that witchdoctor a w***er.
Live dangerously, syphon fuel, smoke in bed, run with scissors
