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Ian Anderson
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Post by Ian Anderson »

Jewish Divorce...



A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 pence piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and

you want to throw all that away over 45 pence?"


Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."” So the good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.


The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'


The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."


So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him..."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

You meet the nicest people plying golf

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf . One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Come on Guys I can't be the only person to get this crap on a daily basis
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by ChrisJC »

The British Prime Minister, David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim Dole and Social Benefits.

From next Monday the forms will be printed in English


Chris.
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Post by Ian Anderson »

Extracts from letters written to local councils:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

It is hardly worth the effort to try to be a responsible citizen these days.

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the River on Wednesday morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the local emergency services.

It is now 7pm on Friday and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted a stamp.
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints
of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistanni blood"

John screams "What the f*ck is the good news then?"


"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.


IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign
On our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't
Think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.


IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She
Asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.


IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
Knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport


IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the
road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.


IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
Handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred

A will is a dead giveaway

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

A backward poet writes inverse

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key

A calendar's days are numbered

A boiled egg is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory which never developed

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall

If you jump off a bridge in Paris , you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye

Santa's little helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture is a jab well done

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, who acquired his size from too much pi

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was prosecuted for littering

Two silk-worms had a race – the result was a tie

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said 'Keep off the Grass'

Old soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans

Don't join dangerous cults: practise safe sects
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Ian Anderson
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Post by Ian Anderson »

Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
" 7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout"

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a garden gate:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


(Oh, by the way)

Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Tanker is full of Political Promises"

A boy asks his granny, " Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? "
Granny: " F*&k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
____________________________________________________________ ___

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
____________________________________________________________ ___

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
____________________________________________________________ ___

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'
____________________________________________________________ ___

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
_____________________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
_____________________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
_____________________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
_____________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical
Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
_____________________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
_______________________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

So folks, now you know what Canada thinks about the misuse of human beings.


A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

Government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:



National Defence Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen,


Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by

Canadian Forces that were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan

Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in

Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.


Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions

were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to

learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are

creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' programme or

L.A.R.K. for short.


In accordance with the guidelines of this new programme, we have decided

to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for

transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto

next Monday.


Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be

cared for by you pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in

your letter of complaint!


It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of

care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended

in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,

we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his

'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural

differences.


We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home

schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a

pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your

next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or

relatives about your house guest, as he might become agitated or even violent, but

we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a

wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so

you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)

this might offend him.


Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or

your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman

form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his

sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known

to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the

new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka

over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.



Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folk like you keep us informed of the

proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.



Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,



Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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