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Ian Anderson
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Post by Ian Anderson »

In 1943, Earl was detailed to head over the Atlantic Ocean, to England, with his Army unit.
His Father , before he died , had always told him about an old Indian who lived outside the
town and had an amazing power of recollection. He had never visited the Indian and vowed
that before he headed off to fight in Europe, he would pay him a visit.
Tentatively, he knocked on the shack's door. After a minute, the door opened and this elderly
Indian asked what he wanted. Earl recounted what his Father had told him and the Indian smiled.
Thinking on his feet, Earl asked " Sir, what did you have for breakfast on Independance Day 1901 ? "
" Eggs " came the reply. Earl thanked the Indian and headed home.
Well Earl endured the invasion of Sicily, fought his way up Italy and endured his fair share of danger.
Unfortunately, in early 1945 Earl suffered shrapnel wounds and was sent back to the USA on a hospital ship.
He was transported to a hospital near his home and took three months to recover, before being discharged.
Once home, after some months, he decided to pay the old Indian another visit.
Again he knocked on the shack's door and again the Indian opened the door.
" How ! " said Earl, " over easy " replied the Indian.





An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

............................................................ ............................................................ .........



A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Aiport for New York ,
and taking his seat as he settled in , he noticed a very beautiful Woman
boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took
the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do
apologise"

She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!"


"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."


Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And my favourite:


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

offensive
Do not read if your're easily offended

Please no complaints afterwards






“Well its coming to that time of year again when we have to put our clocks back.
I'm putting mine back to 1920, when we had no Pakis!”



No need… 1967 will be as far as you need to go back



There were none here in the 1920s, though it won’t be long before the BBC is telling us they won the war for us.

_______________________________________________



I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.

I plan to sell it to Dettol.



==================================

Tony Blair has admitted he was once a borderline alcoholic.

Imagine the feeling waking up hungover, realising you've invaded Iraq.



==================================

Shortbread... They're not making it any longer



==================================

"prostitute", a woman who has sex with someone for money.........

so colleen started f**** him cause hes handsome then



==================================

Ladies. . . Sum a ya'll need to ask yourself this question,

Why the hell would Mr Right and all his amazing qualities want to be stuck with you?



==================================

Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her fanny, she's going to sell her story.



==================================

I went to the game and saw a Mexican wave, so I waved back at him.



==================================

It's a lovely day here at Lord's. Pakistan have won the toss and decided to bet.



==================================

Well its coming to that time of year again when we have to put our clocks back.
I'm putting mine back to 1920, when we had no Pakis!



==================================

My girlfriend has been diagnised as having paranoid schizophreinia. Poor cow. I've managed to convince her that her 3 times a day medication comes straight from my ballbags.



==================================

Was sat drinking a mug of hot milk earlier, when I thought...

Gotta get a better fridge.



==================================

William Hauge: "I hope I have nailed rumors about sexuality."

Well, I don't know about the rumors, but he certainly has nailed something.



==================================

Just been to the gym and had a go on one of their new machines. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick, it's good though, it does everything: Kit-kats, mars bars, snickers, twix.. .............



==================================

Shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky. I just managed to finish before she said no.



==================================

The French Government announced today that it is enforcing a ban on the use of fireworks at Disneyland Paris.Â
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists .



==================================

My wife is 2 weeks overdue with our first child so we're trying everything to get things moving.

Apparently the best thing is spicy food and an orgasm. I love that. It must have been a bloke who came up with that. Curry and a good shag. I'm hoping the little shagger stays in there, I'm having a great time.



==================================

Being ginger and a bit meticulous, I always order exactly the same thing whenever I go into a restaurant?

A table for one.



==================================

If sex is such good exercise, Why do you get fat slags?



==================================

I know a lot of very clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.



==================================

I've invented this amazing app for the iPhone.

Its called iWantToStopBeingAnAnnoyingPrick
Trouble is nobody with an Iphone seems to want it.



==================================

Today my wife bought me home a 24 case of Stella. So technically she is self harming.



==================================

The hardest part about my grandmother's death was making it look like an accident.



==================================

Just Do It:

A good tagline for Nike, a bad one for the Samaritans.



==================================

At first God created man... and then he had a better idea... He created a slave for man



==================================

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.



==================================

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what the daft bastard wants with an ex box I'll never know.



==================================

I always keep emergency flares in my car .

You never know when you're gonna be invited to a 70s disco.



==================================

Wayne Rooney said his escort did this thing that had a huge impact on his life.

I believe it was `f***** it up`



==================================

Nike.. Just do it.
Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods did.



==================================

Paddy's missus said she wanted a rape alarm, so at 5.30 this morning he put tape over her mouth, held her down, violently fucked her and whispered, "time to get up!"



==================================

When I was born I didn't get a birth certificate just an apology letter from Durex.



==================================

Just opened a Skydiving school for disabled people.

Calling it ''Downs to Earth'' wasn't the greatest idea though



==================================

Wayne Rooney's sponsors will stick by him. Spokesmen from Durex, Yellow Pages and Travelodge insist he's done nothing wrong.
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by bones »

i like, very funny :D :D rich

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Every medical problem explained by a Chinese doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy ?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.








CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

At the regular Sunday morning service,Greek Father George announced that hewas planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide himwith a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, totransport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,"If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for hischildren!"

More sighs and loud applause

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her:"Maria, you're a wonderful and holylady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side toside, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how wecould help, and he said: "F^&k him."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.

The Pakistani driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the car.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if your not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where are you keeping the money to be paying me with."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6 In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

The Boss

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can be The Boss inYour Own House"



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f^$kin' funeral director would be my first guess."
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by seight »

Great work Ian. I love all the 1 or 2 liners.
Mike :lol: :lol:

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Post by Ian Anderson »

A magician worked on a cruise ship.


The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all,the captain's parrot.


Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.


The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot.


They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.


This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..

On the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer
and said.............

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**#ing ship?"
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Don't Ever Mess with the Mrs....

When they get cross with you for something you MAY have done they will not tell you what it is and they have many devious ways of getting their own back against your (many) transgressions..

For example:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


And just when you think it can't get any worse:



'Yes, but only when he's pissed.'
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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Post by Ian Anderson »

Have you ever wondered what the difference between a Grandmother and
a grandfather is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, cock a doodle doo-head or w****r anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Owner of an "On the Road" GT40 Replica by DAX powered by 3.9Hotwre Efi, worked over by DJ Motors. EFi Working but still does some kangaroo at low revs (Damn the speed limits) In to paint shop 18/03/08.

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